If you’ve ever buttered some biscuits, shucked an oyster, or had your banana peeled, you know that eating and boning are the greatest things to have ever happened to human beings. Both are pleasurable, sensory, and literally necessary to our survival as a species.
Now, when it comes to food and forking, so to speak, there’s an important, extremely scientific question that needs answering: What foods should one indulge in after doin’ it? There’s a glut of discourse on aphrodisiacs and pre-sex food choices, but the post-coital food world is unacceptably barren. Wtf do you eat post-sex, when you’re tired-but-satisfied (hopefully!!) and recovering from what’s essentially a work-out?
I turned to my friends for their input. “I cannibalize my lover like a female praying mantis,” my friend Tim quipped. This led me down an unfortunate (and extremely unhelpful) Wikipedia rabbit hole in which I learned more about insect copulation than I ever wanted to know.
The rest of the answers were more enlightening. I discovered that my roommate Zack has his A.M. routine perfected to a tee: “I usually have sex in the morning, so breakfast. If it’s not healthy, then it’s DEFINITELY a bacon, egg, and cheese — on a toasted everything bagel, eggs over easy with cheddar.” Damn. That sounds beyond wholesome. I’m by no means a morning person, but if I could, I’d start every day with some sexual congress followed by a hearty-ass breakfast (not to be confused with a “hearty ass-breakfast,” which some may prefer). Doubly orgasmic! Plus, morning sex is apparently good for your health.
There were the romantics, too: “Cooking anything together afterwards is especially intimate!” my friend Blake chirped; cue 1,000 eyerolls from me. She’s right, though — it’s hard to top a roll in the hay followed by whipping up something simple together (even if that just means a mutual selection of snacks) and eating in bed while watching TV. Some suggestions that I personally enjoy: chocolate chip cookies fresh from the oven (keep one of those tubes of cookie dough on hand if you’re not an actual baker), peanut-butter-and-bacon sandwiches, or a basic charcuterie plate, with one person on cheese duty and one on meat duty.
As it turns out, post-forking food choices are also subject to more motives than pure pleasure or hunger. My pragmatic friends offered their pragmatic answers. “A burger or something that’s fried. I need something heavy to knock me out,” Jason told me over the phone, sounding so sleepy that I suspected he had just partaken in both sex and burger. Kevin, meanwhile, expressed a sentiment that I share deeply: “Grilled cheeses post-sex are the best.” Before I could nod my head in fervent agreement, he added, “Especially if the person you slept with is a dick and lactose intolerant, and you need them to GTFO of your house.” That’s some amazing, Slytherin-esque meal-planning right there.
Readers, what about you? Do you reach for any go-to foods after doin’ the nasty? Do you relate to any of the above? Let us know in the comments! And don’t fret if you don’t have a partner to join you in any manner of forking: DEVOUR is here for you instead. DEVOUR’s decadent frozen meals, like the spicy Italian Sausage Lasagna or the creamy Chicken Enchiladas Suiza, can be enjoyed totally solo. In fact, they’re so stimulating that they might even make up for a dry spell.
Angela Wang is a Senior Writer for Studio@Gawker.